Friday, February 11, 2011

Waiting to exhale.........

We all know that life has ups & downs. If you made a graph of your life most likely it would look like hills and valleys equally spread over your lifetime. Even those people that we perceive as "lucky"...their graphs would look like all the rest. My hills & valleys are very personal to me and yours to you. You could look at my "problems" and deem them frivolous compared to yours. It's all relative.
I bring this up because I may be on the verge of losing my job. Our company has run into some problems and may have to close. I am definitely in a valley. I have worked here for over ten years, everyone here has become my second family. The problems we are having are out of our control and at first it was frustrating and now it is just plain scary. I don't want to lose my job, my means of support. I have been on my own for over ten years now, after my divorce. I used to worry all the time whether I could meet my monthly bills and felt so much relief after my rent was paid at the end of the month, even if I only had two dollars to rub together at the end of that week. I had made it another month! That fear went away quite awhile ago as I got more comfortable in my job and decided that I was valuable to my company. I feel that I have been grateful enough for my job. We all complain , no matter how good our job is, right? I realize that there are alot of peole out of work and struggling and have had ample empathy for them. But now, it's personal, now it's my life about to be turned upside down.
So,  I am in a valley. I haven't been in one for a while. Back in 1996 & 97, I lost my parents, one after the other. In 98, my marriage died. So I was in a scary place for a long while. Talk about abandonment issues !! But then , by taking one day at a time, one problem at a time, I began to climb the hill. And when I got halfway up , I turned around and looked down to see how far I had come. That inspired me to keep going and I haven't had to look back since. Until now.
 I know I am lucky. My kids are all doing okay, in spite of having me for a mom. They are pretty good citizens of the world. Two are now married with children of their own, and they both married really great people. Apples of my eye, all of them. I have plenty of family & friends and they show me luv all the time. ( in their own sarcastic way , of course)
I have been giving myself pep talks, like the old days. I know that if I lanquish in pity, I won't find solutions. I have learned that life does just keep bumping along, that when one door closes , another door opens. I have this little plaque in my  house that says" After a storm, the birds always sing". How true. I am a big believer in Karma and I think I have been a pretty good child of the universe. I am not even close to perfect but I have learned that I am good enough. Finally.
So, I guess I will know in a few days or maybe in just a few hours whether I can  EXHALE or not. And I expect that if I hear bad news, that I will cry and feel pretty awful for a bit. But at some point I know, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start up another hill. As a matter of fact, I think I better get out and buy a good pair of walking shoes this weekend. Peace.

PS: I have read a couple of books since we last talked. I read two by Jennifer Weiner. Good in Bed & Certain Girls. (The latter a sequel) I liked the first enough to read the second. Talk about hills & valleys in a life. Alittle bit of comedy, alittle bit of tragedy..throw in a movie star friendship and some personal success, and you have a good read.
I also read Eat, Pray Love..after I saw the movie. I did really like the movie. I know it didn't get great reviews but I thought it was really good. I liked it enough to read the book. I thought the movie did a good job portraying Liz Gilbert's life and what an interesting life Ms. Gilbert is living !! I will be reading her new book, Committed. I read a sample of it on my Kindle and I will definitely be downloading it soon. Stay tuned.

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