Friday, February 25, 2011

The fields breathe sweet, the daisies kiss our feet......

As the snow comes falling from the sky today, heavy & wet and piling up an inch or two an hour, I am looking up information on the Portland Flower Show. Starts Thursday March 10th, in the old yacht services building on Fore St.
  " Some years you need to see flowers and green grass more than others, ya know ? "
You may recall in the last blog that I was afraid that I would have to be layed off from my great job. I was feeling pretty down about it, as one might expect. It looks like that is not going to happen, but for some reason though, I cannot take that big sigh of relief. I have been under this stress for well over a month and I was hoping it would lift instantly. I think it shook me so much that I just want to get further down the road from it, just like I would a bad dream.
So, I am looking forward to going to the show for all of the above reasons..I need to add a little "spring" in my step, so to speak. I have been to the show many times as a vendor and only once as just a member of the public there to admire all the displays. I have not been for quite a few years now. I love the old building. There we are among some beautiful old sail boats, all put away for the winter, moving around underneath them  like the rolling seas usually do in summer. That fact is not lost on me. I think they can smell the flowers too and know that pretty soon they will be back on the water, doing what they were meant to do. Can't ignore the wooden floors and just the general history of the building and Phinney Sprague walking around like he owns the place, making sure all goes well and runs smoothly. He is a great host. One year when I was there as a vendor, he found out it was my birthday and announced on the loud speaker that everyone in the place needed to stop by my booth and say Happy Birthday..and ya know,  I think everyone did.  ( oh, by the way, Phinney  Sprague does own the place !!!)
I hope my gal pals can all make it too, because there is a lot of pleasure in sharing the experience with friends.The same friends that I go out to the beach with after work on summer nights to walk & talk and breathe salt air and collect sand dollars  & other treasures, if  I am lucky enough to find some. I will have to email all the details and I know I won't have to talk anyone into it. We are all ready for winter to end and for Spring to begin.
I  just thought of something, just this minute. I may have just realized why I have stayed away from the show for so long. About twelve years or so ago, when I was working as a vendor at the Flower Show, I came home from the opening night gala and found that my ex-husband had packed up & moved out. Left a note in the sock draw.. after 25 years  & raising four kids & all the richer/poorer stuff , a note in the sock draw. Can you believe it? It seems funny that I have no feeling about that now. No anger, no resentment, nothing. Well, I did suspect that this blog might become like therapy sometime , and today it certainly has !
 I will be going to the Flower Show with a spring in my step and a light  heart. Who's with me?

PS- I have just finished reading The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I had never read it as a kid. I was browsing through my Kindle free books and there it was ,so last weekend I began reading it, only took a few nights. I am sure you all know the story. Orphaned girl goes to stay with depressed rich uncle who has crippled son.  She discovers a secret garden and it cures all of them.
It really was a lovely story and I for one am hoping the very public garden at the Flower show does the same for me !!
I also read Elizabeth Gilberts new one, Comimtted. I loved Eat , Pray , Love and expected nothing less for the new book. I wanted it to be a real sequel full of the love story of Liz and Felippe. It was more of a history of the institute of marriage and got quite boring in places. Now, I hear her ex-husband has written a book of his own about their mariage. That should be interesting !!
I have just started this morning (at 5 am), another free Kindle book Letters of a Homesteader by Elinore Pruitt Stewart. I have only read a few chapters (or letters)  by it is very good. True story about a widow who heads west to build a home. More on it /her later.
I also watched finally, the movie Crazy Heart with Jeff Bridges, Colin Farrell , Maggie Gyllenhall and Robert Duvall. Well, I thought the movie was good, music fantastic and I am totally in love with Jeff Bridges. He can sing and so can't Farrell. I think they should do an album. I have  loved  Robert Duvall ever since Lonesome Dove ( I highly recommend the book & movie), and even though he has a small part, loved him in it. Gyllenhall was ok, I just didn't get the warm & fuzzies from her. I think she over-acted the part. It was a love story, plain & simple. Please movie producers..more of Mr Bridges.
'Til next time...peace.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Waiting to exhale.........

We all know that life has ups & downs. If you made a graph of your life most likely it would look like hills and valleys equally spread over your lifetime. Even those people that we perceive as "lucky"...their graphs would look like all the rest. My hills & valleys are very personal to me and yours to you. You could look at my "problems" and deem them frivolous compared to yours. It's all relative.
I bring this up because I may be on the verge of losing my job. Our company has run into some problems and may have to close. I am definitely in a valley. I have worked here for over ten years, everyone here has become my second family. The problems we are having are out of our control and at first it was frustrating and now it is just plain scary. I don't want to lose my job, my means of support. I have been on my own for over ten years now, after my divorce. I used to worry all the time whether I could meet my monthly bills and felt so much relief after my rent was paid at the end of the month, even if I only had two dollars to rub together at the end of that week. I had made it another month! That fear went away quite awhile ago as I got more comfortable in my job and decided that I was valuable to my company. I feel that I have been grateful enough for my job. We all complain , no matter how good our job is, right? I realize that there are alot of peole out of work and struggling and have had ample empathy for them. But now, it's personal, now it's my life about to be turned upside down.
So,  I am in a valley. I haven't been in one for a while. Back in 1996 & 97, I lost my parents, one after the other. In 98, my marriage died. So I was in a scary place for a long while. Talk about abandonment issues !! But then , by taking one day at a time, one problem at a time, I began to climb the hill. And when I got halfway up , I turned around and looked down to see how far I had come. That inspired me to keep going and I haven't had to look back since. Until now.
 I know I am lucky. My kids are all doing okay, in spite of having me for a mom. They are pretty good citizens of the world. Two are now married with children of their own, and they both married really great people. Apples of my eye, all of them. I have plenty of family & friends and they show me luv all the time. ( in their own sarcastic way , of course)
I have been giving myself pep talks, like the old days. I know that if I lanquish in pity, I won't find solutions. I have learned that life does just keep bumping along, that when one door closes , another door opens. I have this little plaque in my  house that says" After a storm, the birds always sing". How true. I am a big believer in Karma and I think I have been a pretty good child of the universe. I am not even close to perfect but I have learned that I am good enough. Finally.
So, I guess I will know in a few days or maybe in just a few hours whether I can  EXHALE or not. And I expect that if I hear bad news, that I will cry and feel pretty awful for a bit. But at some point I know, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and start up another hill. As a matter of fact, I think I better get out and buy a good pair of walking shoes this weekend. Peace.

PS: I have read a couple of books since we last talked. I read two by Jennifer Weiner. Good in Bed & Certain Girls. (The latter a sequel) I liked the first enough to read the second. Talk about hills & valleys in a life. Alittle bit of comedy, alittle bit of tragedy..throw in a movie star friendship and some personal success, and you have a good read.
I also read Eat, Pray Love..after I saw the movie. I did really like the movie. I know it didn't get great reviews but I thought it was really good. I liked it enough to read the book. I thought the movie did a good job portraying Liz Gilbert's life and what an interesting life Ms. Gilbert is living !! I will be reading her new book, Committed. I read a sample of it on my Kindle and I will definitely be downloading it soon. Stay tuned.